post illness thoughts

there’s something odd about having been sick – gone through surgery – been confined to the house – vulnerable and Very Poorly for a while – then the return to the Day Job – slow recovery and……………now what?

you see we had prepared for the worst.

Or not the worst, per se, but “being ill” – you know, going through one of the first half of those cancer memoirs, having Big Thoughts about Life and then prepping for the post-illness “Now We Know Better” stage.

And then it didn’t happen.

Yes, we were sick – with three Tumors/tumours/Tobias to prove it.

And sure, we went through the Surgery (OW) and all the other painfully slow painful stuff of crawling through life without a thyroid and inside the melancholic soup of increasing thyroid dosages.

But now?

Once we got the benign diagnosis on aforementioned tumors what were we left with?

Not much of a to-be-written memoir.

Well, not about illness Anyway. Plenty of material otherwise – but not quite yet.

Our health is pretty peachy now.

A little too curvy (effects of synthroid – unexpected Jane Russell cleavage) but even that is being toned and slapped into gorgeous shape by swimming.

Not that we want to go into it here but we also gave up the incessant control around food.

It just became So Exhausting.

Our body seems relieved and, strangely (or maybe not), a tiny bit excited (vanilla icecream with every meal?!) Ha. It will take a Long Time.

The truth is we had mentally prepared to be sick for a while. Because that’s what it looked like was going to happen.

And then it didn’t.

And so we’re left with this Having Learned Big Lessons – being open and softer and loving being gloria and GLORIAous – but Not Sick.

It’s strange.

Is that where all the anger comes from?

We had battened down the hatches, ready. And then it didn’t happen. And we felt that most people (but Not You, darlings) expected us – demanded in some cases – that we needed to Move On.

But we need to do something good with this.

We’ve been writing and photographing and thinking and creating since april 9 2010 (yes, ironically a month Before we got the Tobias official biopsy, isn’t That an Irony – as if the Muses knew we’d need to be gloria to get through It All).

And it’s ten months later……………..

But we’re still waiting for the green card (#sigh) and so can’t be Public (and we’d really like to be – it’s Truly Weird how many times we’re now in places where people know us in RL and here, as gloria) and do the “how to stay sane in a crazy world” picture book or talk about tricks and tools for surviving high stress corporate environments with Something approaching grace and gloriousness ;)

The tumors/tumours/Tobias clearly obscured our diseased glands (also now ripped out) which were full of rage and non-expressed-grief.

Because that’s where we are Now – Not Sick and yet boiling with rage.

And not just because the office dimensions at the Day Job are shrinking (careful).

That’s just Irritating.

6 thoughts on “post illness thoughts

  1. Boiling rage strikes me as an entirely apt response to having one’s relationship to mortality seemingly toyed with, as yours has been.
    Is it perhaps, too, the catalyst to let go of …… I know not what, but am sure you do …….. ?
    I’m so admiring of and grateful for your willingness to share your discoveries.
    Much love.

  2. I don’t know about illness on the level you’ve experienced, but I know for me that goals – good ones and bad ones too – are interesting only as long as they’re goals. A thing in the future to dread or to long for, either one, keeps me focused, tensed, battened down, braced, and on alert, but once I’ve reached the finish line, the appointed date, the long-awaited completion? An enormous let-down follows on the other side. So that’s it, huh? That’s what I’ve been waiting for? And I think sometimes the anger I feel is directed at myself, that I could have let myself get so worked up, that I could have set myself up one more time. There I’d been, working so hard to be in the present moment, but part of me was looking ahead to a time when I could finally relax and exhale.

  3. thanks for listening…view from the pool….ahhh, so nice….i was able to feel the strokes….have to find something to take away the sadness….xx

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